On Prayer - Pain, Peace and Persistence

By Naomi Yeker

Kaleo Oct 23/23

Prayer can be a tricky topic in a lot of ways. We all have different associations with it, maybe feelings of guilt or exhaustion and we come from many different backgrounds with various expressions of prayer. I wanted to share a little bit about my journey with prayer as there has been change and growth in that area in my life and I am curious what our church community would look like if we had a renewed vision of prayer and how to take that into our lives. 

I grew up with some larger than life prayer figures in my extended family. At Christmas people would be visiting and I have memories of walking into a room and finding an impromptu prayer meeting happening, or someone sitting in the living room would have a blanket over their head interceding for someone or some issue in the world. C'mon people. It's Christmas! Can we just chill out? :P Not to mention my cousin who was the first Table intern hired on specifically for prayer and had a room/closet in their community house specifically dedicated to prayer. 

When I was young, maybe 13, my well meaning cousin's suggestion for prayer was, “just try for 2 hours a day, it will change your life!” Needless to say, I was crushed by the weight of this expectation that I just felt like I couldn’t fill and the dominant theme in my prayer life was failure and frustration. At the same time, there was something that inspired and drew me about their passionate desire to pray.

To this day, my initial response to prayer is often resistance. I think there is an element of guilt; I don’t feel like I’m praying correctly or the right amount or for the right things. There is an element of weariness, my life feels so full; where I am I going to fit in this list of things I’m supposed to ask God for. What if God asks me to do something more, I can’t fit anything more in! I’ve asked and prayed desperately for things in the past and it seems as though nothing happened. What is the point? I’d rather not be disappointed over and over. Surely doesn’t God doesn’t want to hear about the annoying minutiae of my life, so what DO I pray about? I’m not disciplined enough, why even try? Also it takes time! And in a full week it feels like the last thing I want to do sometimes. 

So what shifted? I think for me, it was mainly two very painful experiences in my life that awoke a desire to know and receive from God in deeper ways than I had currently been doing. Prayer and time with God became a refuge, a place of blessing and solace in a way that I had not known before. And while it continues to be a struggle of fits and starts, my imagination was caught for what’s possible and I know now that there is goodness there that I have tasted and I can’t ignore. However, life is not always so intense and we’re not always driven to prayer out of deep pain or desperation. In my learning around prayer, it seems there is so much about just showing up whether we feel like it or not, and through this consistent returning, our hearts are incrementally shifted towards God, and our hearts and desires are brought more into line with His.  

It’s been important for me to recognize that having a consistent prayer life IS hard. There is so much momentum around us that encourages us NOT to prioritize time for this. Specialists in silicon valley are highly motivated to keep us glued to our screens, to consume and spend money and culturally there can be an expectation that speed and busyness, fullness of experience and maximal relationships are what’s best for us. 

We perhaps can also consider that spiritual forces as well that would rather us not be communing with the loving creator of the universe.

It also takes practice! It’s not something that necessarily just comes naturally and will feel immediately transcendent at once. 

Another thing that has been significant is realizing what image of God I am bringing to prayer. Tish Harrison Warren writes, “There is no wrong way to pray. You cannot fail at prayer, except by giving it up altogether. But prayer can malform us if we suspect we are praying to a God who can barely stand us, who is malevolent and angry and out to get us, who rolls his eyes when we call to him, who we have to convince to hear us”. 

Something I have found helpful has been assessing this image of God and finding scriptures or images that help root me in my true belief about the character of God.

A story that I have found helpful in that moment of discernment deciding whether or not to pray is that story of the prodigal son or prodigal God as some have come to call it. That image of the Father looking out at the horizon and seeing his son cresting the hill, arms outstretched running to greet him, helps remind me of my belief that God always enjoys welcoming me back. It’s harder for me to get stuck in a spiral of guilt about my neglectful prayer life when the picture of God running to greet me is held in front of my mind. 

“House Of Belonging” by Scott Erickson

Another thing that has brought an aliveness to prayer for me (inspired by the psalms), is bringing my unfiltered, whole self honestly before God. I think I’m almost embarrassed to bring before God the things that are actually on my mind, the pettiness, the frustration, the disappointments. But the more I engage this way with God, the more I feel as though it is a real relationship where I am fully known and seen in all my mess. I’m a journaller so free journaling and turning those things to God in writing is a helpful practice for me in this area. 

Another thing that has been crucial for my prayer life has been Sabbath. Sabbath has pivotal in helping create the spaciousness for me to be able to come before God, tell him what’s actually on my mind and in that space of hurt or anger or disappointment, have space for healing, blessing or just feeling seen and cared for in the minutiae of these moments. And into that place of raw openness finding my identity as a beloved child of God. Henri Nouwen writes, “Why is it so important that you are with God and God alone on the mountain top? It’s important because it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. To pray is to listen to the One who calls you, “my beloved daughter", “my beloved son”, “my beloved child”. To pray is to let that voice speak to the center of your being, to your guts, and let that voice resound in your whole being.”

So often I think praying is mostly a mental exercise, but something that has been interesting to explore has been involving my body in prayer. I have definitely been overwhelmed in some communities that are very comfortable with bodily expressions of worship and this has, in a way, turned me off as it can seem performative or manipulative. However, I think there is something that can be lost if this is ignored completely and there is something invitingly vulnerable to experiment with these things in a community where this is less common.

Something I’ve been experimenting with is how does it change my experience of worship if I stand? Does confession feel different if I kneel? Does making the sign of the cross over my heart after communion help ground that experience in the reality of my embodied life? About making the sign of the cross Strahan Coleman says, “It changes how I feel about my body when I pray this way. It awakens my awareness to its holiness. To the God it homes.” Maybe these physical acts can help inform our prayer rather than feeling like we have to wait until we genuinely “feel it” (as I have felt in the past). I think too often we can neglect our bodies in the conversation with God and this can lead to a bit of a false separation between our “spiritual” ideas of God and our lived life, when in reality they are intertwined so closely.

Tish Harrison Warren talks about the way our posture toward God also influences our work. She says, “If God is behind, under and throughout all our good work and every moment of our lives, prayer is never a merely “spiritual” act of piety, a few feet off the ground, divorced from the real work of the word. When we pray for healing or redemption or peace or justice we are praying for those who work - for scientists, doctors, poets, potters, researchers, retail clerks, farmers, politicians and pilots - the actual and limited men and women through whom God is bringing renewal. Praying this way changes how we work. We can take up our daily work knowing that through it we participate in the eternal work of God. We can take up our vocations not simply to find success, get a paycheck or make a name for ourselves, but from a place of rest in God. This view of work also changes prayer. The practice of prayer becomes a propulsive force, galvanizing our participation with God’s work.” Love this.

As I grow to trust this God who loves me and sees me as worthwhile even when I am doing nothing for him, just being a bratty confessional kid, my openness and excitement to partner with this Good God takes root and expands. As Tyler Staton puts it, “intimacy leads to fruitfulness.” “If we make fruitfulness the goal, leap-frogging intimacy, this will lead to exhaustion and resentment”. I think this is often the case for me. It’s hard to make space to be filled by God or to rest in God before pouring out, but I find without this, I run dry very quickly. Sometimes I worry that this kind of prayer is selfish. Am I only spending time with God because it feels good and I feel peaceful? I think there can be a potential for becoming passive in prayer, only ever hoping to receive, however I think if we truly come into contact with the living God in prayer, we are inspired to love those around us in real ways. To quote Tyler Staton “It is impossible to know God without equally participating with God in public mercy… inner prayer and outward compassion are inseparable. In fact the Hebrew word for personal righteousness and outward justice is the same “tsedaqah”.”

This is definitely an area I want to grow in because I think it also takes practice and I wonder how we could grow in this as a community. I think we have a few ideas percolating around how we could grow in this and would love to hear your thoughts as well! 

~~~~~

From the Celtic Book of Prayer:

I bless you,

In the name of the Holy Three,

The Father, the Son and the Sacred Spirit.

May you drink deeply

From God’s cup of joy.

May the night bring you quiet.

And when you come to the Father’s palace

may his door be open

and the welcome warm.

~~~~~

Contact Naomi If you are interested in joining our Practicing The Way Prayer study, or receiving a copy of the prayer practices provided at Kaleo (Examen, Lament Prayer, Breath Prayer, Visio Divina, Lectio Divina, and a couple intercessory liturgies).

Below are the dates and topics (Location TBD) :

Nov 16, 2023 @7:30pm: Talking to God

As we learn the pragmatics of prayer, we’ll begin habituating and fine-tuning a daily prayer rhythm.

Nov 23, 2023 @7:30pm: Talking with God

In prayer, we bring our pain, hopes, joys, and fears to God in a personalized way.

Nov 30, 2023 @7:30pm: Listening to God

Prayer is not just when we talk but when we listen to hear his voice.

Dec 7, 2023 @7:30pm: Being with God

Learn about the type of prayer that goes beyond words to simple loving presence, or what the ancient Christians called “union” with God.